woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
last night I used snow as a chaser
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