the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Are we still banned from the library?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
