My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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