Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
