Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
