it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize