1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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