this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
