Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
