I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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