the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Randomize
