Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
...so i touched it.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
