...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
