I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
