well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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