he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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