Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
