I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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