I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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