I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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