It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
