I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
