Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
