Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
