Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
