I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
