I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
