She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
