Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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