Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
