I am puke
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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