I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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