That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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