like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
