Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
