I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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