If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
