There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can't put those talents on a resume
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
