I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
