I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
