he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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