There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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