so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
