woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
