Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
