your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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