Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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