my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
