I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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