I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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