My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
