Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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