I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
