i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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