True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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