Soap is not a condiment
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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