rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize