i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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