Welp...herpes.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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