Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
